note.to.self.

STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!
i repeat, STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!



esp. when your fingers are doing the talking and your mouth is moving faster than your brain. doo dee doo dee doo...

it's.written.in.the.stars.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19):

"'Don't look before you leap!' is a Zen saying that contrasts with what many in the West consider wise counsel." writes Christopher Moors in his article "Magical Buddha Nature" at tinyurl.com/34swxd.
"If everything is premeditated, we will never have the naked brillianceof a truly new experience. Though we might be able to temper fear this way. We live at the minimum and have no room for the divine to enter our hearts. Love is above all things the freedom of expansion." I'm passing this advice, Aries, just in time for the most unboxed, unexpected, unprecedented phase of your astrological cycle. Rely on spontaneity to teach you all you need to know.

give.it.up to.me

Got this on repeat mode in my ears. helps the day pass by faster and the smile plastered on my face. whatever rocks my boat, eh?

"Get out my head and into the bed girl...
Cause you done know, plottin' out the fantasy..
Hey baby girl and it's you a the key...yo...me go so then

From you look inna me eye gal I see she you want me
When you gonna give it up to me
Because you body enticing, you makin' me want it
When you gonna give it up to me
Well if a no today girl then a must be tomorrow
When you fulfill my fantasy
Because you know I give you lovin' straight like an arrow
When you gonna give it up to me."

midsummer.nightmare.

thanks j, for being the voice on the other line and the tip on how to chase away bad dreams.

"All the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
runnin through my head

let me tell you this,
I feel totally lost
if im asking for help
its only because
being with you has opened my eyes
could i ever believe such a perfect surprise
I keep asking myself
wondering how
I keep losing my eyes
but i cannot get out
Im going to fly to a place where its just you and me
and nobody else
so we can be free

all the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
all the things he said

and im all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
they say it's my fault but i want him so much
I wanna fly him away
with the sun and the rain comin over my face
wash away all the shame
and when they stop and stare
dont be worrying me
cuz im feelin for him what he's feelin for me
I can try to pretend i can try to forget
but it's driving me mad goin out of my head

All the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
all the things he said
all the things he said"

deja-vu anyone?

did somebody say stubborn

sometimes the decisions we make in life defies logic and reason and every sensible bone in our body. and yet it strikes a raw nerve and deep in our guts we know it's right.

moons ago, i decided on him and i'm sticking to it.

and people can come and go and advice and counsel can be heaped upon me and words of wisdom stuffed in my ear and he can move on to whatever or whoever or return to what life was before. i don't care! this is my life and if i choose to stay stuck in a moment then it's my prerogative. i'm not imposing this on anyone. i'm not forcing you to indulge me in my delusion. it's nobody else's problem but my own. was i consulted when the decision was made? no. so then don't tell me how to deal with it. don't tell my friends that we've reached a decision when it wasn't unilateral. don't tell me how to cope, don't teach me how to and don't predict that i'm going to move on because i am REFUSING to budge! everyone talks about moving on. what's so great about it? how do you know you're moving on to something better? i think it's lame to "move on" just for the sake of needing some form of motion because you can't stand being still and taking a pause.

me? i'd rather stay in my rut.

GO KANGAS!

relaks ah un, it's not about winning or losing.
it's about how the war was fought. and i'm sure your kids fought valiantly and with honour (ala Braveheart)

there'll be other battles surely. and one day, david is bound to beat goliath. it's written in the bible. so it's gotta be true. besides r*****s doesn't really have a choice, you know. they HAD to win cause we suck big time at losing.


"sabarlah sesungguhnya kau tu berpuasa..."

8.5 on the psych-o-meter

so i warded myself in the rumah.orang.sakit.(hati).telok.kurau over the weekend, nursing my broken heart and muddled head.

thank you to un and schoolmarm who came to visit bearing words of comfort, company and most importantly, food.
oh glorious food...

thank you to muhd.playwright for always being within an.sms' reach.

thank you to the ceiling for engaging in my most inane of conversations.

thank you to the couch for bearing my weight and my farts for 2 days and 2 nights without as much as a groan.

thank you to all my beautiful new clothes for showing me that being alone is okay as long as your ensemble is coordinated.

thank you to the dvd player for spinning one pirated movie after another tirelessly from sunrise to sunset.

thank you to MTV and Channel [V] for playing all the cool-esque RnB music videos so that i can club and dance my heart out without having to put on clothes, make up or a fake smile on my face.

thank you to my brother's MP3 player for allowing me to indulge in my rempit moments by singing along to the likes of Siti Nurhaliza, Dayang Nurfaizah, Melly, Radja and other self-pitying and kental Malay singers.

thank you Shida for not giving up and sticking with me throughout this tumultous and difficult time.

thank you one and all, from the bottom of my heart.

without you,

i would have gone sane.

voices in my head

i talk to you, you know

i chatted, i pleaded
i joked, i cajoled, i raved, i ranted,
i mambo-jumboed prittle-prattled ramble-babbled my way
to dawn...









and in these conversations we had in my head
you were you and i was me

and we were we
like how we used to be

and we were happy.


sunday
15/04/2007
0645 hrs

baby steps

i can do this.

i can tear my world apart
and put it back together

on my own.

i don't have to forget he who i left
i just have to look forward

but i still see him

there
at the end of the line
i see him at the start
on my right
i see him running alongside
i see him on the bleachers, cheering me on.

so i suppose i'll be alright.

though he's not here anymore
he hasn't really left the one place
where i've kept him safe

.my heart.









"and my wasted heart will love you."
-love actually.



saturday
14/04/2007
2347 hrs

pulling the plug

i cannot do this anymore.

call me demanding but i knew what it was like but a fortnight ago and now it's not like that. and i can't fool myself into thinking that this is alright and what we have will do for now because it won't. even though the alternative is unthinkable.

i am a woman and i have what's left of my pride and i will not be treated like this anymore by the man i love with all my heart because surely, no matter how rotten i have been, i deserve better.

and if better means nothing then nothing it has to be.

maybe you met the wrong person, maybe i met the right person at the wrong time. who knows what fate chooses to throw in our direction. but what i know is what we make of it. and what we're making of this, is a sham and i cannot live this lie anymore. even though the truth is Pain.

"maybe we'll meet again in another lifetime,
when we're both cats."
-vanilla sky

surreal... for real...

change is a funny thing. it happens in the blink of an eye and THEN you learn to cope with it. blinking again doesn't undo the change.

it gets easier each day, i suppose, acclimatising yourself with the changes that have occured. with each passing day, you realise that what doesn't kill you will only make life more... interesting. the tides of time will push you along even though you're quite hell-bent on staying put in that one moment that you thought you had frozen.

why did he leave, should you walk away and not turn back, should you stick around and salvage what's left, is there anything left to save or are you just scavenging for leftover bones he chooses to throw in your direction. in time, perhaps the answers will come or maybe you'll just stay numb and dumb.

oh how the mighty have fallen. one day you're on a pedestal, worshipped and adored. the next you're a beggar, sitting on the sidewalk of love, clinging on to half-hearted hand-outs.

i don't want your charity, sir. i don't want it, but i need it. or maybe i don't but i think i do. i don't know...

this is just oh-so surreal, for real...

and my wasted heart...

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.
-sarah teasdale

he wants me, he wants me nuts...

"reality is an illusion.
albeit a very persistent one."
-Albert Einstein

happily never after...

you stole my sleep,
and you rob me
of my every waking thought.
you ripped me off my dreams
and in their wake,
you leave these memories of our yesterlife.









and tomorrow,

you fill with
.nothing.

"don't talk to strangers." -mom.

you know why your mom always warned you against talking to strangers? it's because most of the time they end up being salesmen who sell you stuff you don't really need. they con you into buying dreams and hopes and fantasies. and if you can't afford it they'll tell you, "it's okay, don't worry. you can pay them in instalments." so you buy into it all, hook line and sinker. you suspend good judgement, rationality and reality. you really believe you can have it all.

and then you miss paying an instalment or fall short of a few ringgits on your monthly repayment and before you can even explain yourself they take everything back. everything and then some. they take your dreams your hopes your fantasies your life your sleep your heart your soul your sanity, with not as much as a sorry. and you're left high and dry, missing all those things you didn't even need or want before they come along. you're left picking up the torn and tattered pieces of you that they magnanimously left behind cause it's not worth much to them anyway.

so the next time someone knocks on your door or tug at your heartstrings for just some friendly company or a good conversation, remember what your mom told you.

welcome back...

to the winter of my discontent.

"most relationships are built on lies and mutually accepted delusions."
-Somebody Smart.

don't blame the blink

it was a trick worthy of David Blaine.

"come look at you through my eyes," he says to me. and i became Everywoman. a wife, a mother, a lover, an angel, a goddess on a pedestal. and i became lembutnya sutera, sesuci salji, indahnya bahasa, seanggun puteri. and i was perfect. and i could do no wrong. and all my flaws were cute and endearing . oh and my fart smells of roses.

in his eyes, i saw the future. i saw the white picket-fenced house with children playing on the patio, while i look on from the kitchen window. i saw laughter and good cheer. i saw sunshine and summer breeze. i saw joy and love and (oh hell, why not) world peace...

i saw content.


i thought i could stay there forever. in his fool's paradise.
but how long can i hold on to your eyes, magnetic as they are. how long should i buy into your lies, poetic as the stars. something's gotta give. someone has to blink.

a line of lashes rained on my parade. arrows ripping pictures in my head. and things are as they were. when in love you lie.when you hurt you cry.when you want you try. in the end you die.

nothing really matters. not really.