pasal taik

orang giler ajer punish herself and send herself to go sleep on uncomfortable tilam pasar malam sampai kena salah bantal when it's the other party yang perangai macam siak. but that's okay cause aku kan master psychobabble bullshit extraordinaire and between waking up feeling like TURD and 3 hours at the office yang sebenarnyer storeroom yang bukan pun office actually pasal aku bukannyer kerje pasal bukannyer diaorang bayar gaji aku, i've somehow managed to internalise and justify that whole exercise in self torture. that this is my fault. because this was my call. HE was my call. and so i'll just have to take this in my stride. that there is no point in feeling injured or hurt or slighted because saper suruh aku pandai pandai itchy backside nak sangat kahwin dengan dia. it's not like we never met before i signed on the dotted line (which in malaysia, by the way, doesn't happen. honestly, lepas nikah aku tak payah sign aper2...). we are not some matchmade, parent approved, internet dating site, mail order couple. i know the who, what and when and where and how and why he does the things he do. so where does that bring us to? ah yes, i slept on lumps of low grade foam because even though what HE was the one who hurt me with what he said, i was my own architect of that hurt because i chose him. only two way out of this. either ship out or start googling dom-buse websites. i heard it's a slippery slope, the one that i'm on... so i guess, THIS is what being responsible is about. feels like... CRAP!

A deal's a deal.

I met the old crew just now. Old in every sense of the word. Cause 8 yrs down the line we are getting a bit old and because the memories we shared they seems so long ago... So old... But it feels like nothing has changed. I'm still the girl who counts backwards to them. And as we sit at the bar recounting old tales of yore I feel a yearning in my heart. A yearning for a life I left behind. Nobody tells you what it means to be married, to agree to certain things that every bone in your body says no way, hose to. But hey, a deal's a deal. So you bite the insides of your cheeks every time u find yourself missing this or that or something until the feeling hopefully passes over... Maybe the right thing to do is to burn all bridges. That way you don't get reminded of the way things were and how free you were. That way you can bury your wild child and pretend to be the yuppie scum wannabe he married.