Not letting go...

So many things have happened since I last wrote... But in the interest of time and since I know i’m Not Kim Kardashian and no one actually cares what trivial pursuits I have been up to, just thought to let you know, my mom died. Almost a year ago, on the 3rd day of Hari Raya. And while eventually life goes back to what it was and it plodded on, as is its nature, I know inside I am somehow altered. A little more broken. Maybe it was the way I just rushed back into work a week after it happened. I’ve never been the type to put much stock into all that western psychobabble bullshit about finding closure and all that hooplah. Maybe also cause I know this is something you’ll never get over or move past. A lifelong condition so why waste the time to indulge in it? No point. It doesn’t ”cure” it or make it any better. Maybe also cause there is just this mountain of regrets and could have beens that I don’t think i’ll ever be able to “process” so I feel like I need to keep holding on to them. Why lah, of all the people in my life, you had to go Mak? I think I would trade pretty much anyone else to have you still here with us. And now I look at who and what I have surroundes my life with and there are times I wished that they had died instead. Now, I look at the people and things that occupy and consume my life and wished that they were dead or gone so I could have spent that time and energy on you. I know the sensible thing to do would be to learn from your death and make time for the people I love who are still alive but that love feels kinda stale in my mouth now. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. I just know that every once in a while, it hits me that you are gone. And I didn’t quite realize before how dependent I was on you for my sanity and you’re probably the only reason why I had so much to give to others. Cause you kept me strong and sane and generous and nice. Now that you’re gone, I just can’t be arsed to be any of that anymore. Now when they suck me dry, I have nothing to nourish me and replenish me. I’m just so tired and done. #missyoumak P.S:- quite glad I finally figured out a way to unlock my blog. It’s been a while...