SYMPTOMSa) a nerve-ous twich on the left eye
b) inability to close right eye fully
c) loss of control over right facial muscle
d) tensing up of left facial muscle
e) inability to chew food properly
f) inability to drink properly
g) inability to gargle
h) speech impediment (esp with constants like "P", "B" etc)
i) a growing resemblance to comic character "THE MASK" of elastic, contorted face fame
j) deteriorating mental health
k) surly and unpleasant disposition
DIAGNOSISa) disturbed by evil spirits
b) possibly the victim of black magic
c) 'mini' stroke
d) test of patience
TREATMENTa) 3 X massage and prayers by learned woman who is a respectable member of the local mosque community (read: credible authority)
b) half hearted nightly massages by father at mother's insistence and constant nagging
c) a gallon of holy water to be drunk as and when neccessary (can somebody get me an IV drip please? )
d) mysterious, nameless homeopathic 'rat poison'-looking mini pills (4 pills each dosage, 3 doses a day)
e) 'Robinson Skin Cream- for problem skin' - to be administered as a balm or rub for self massage on affected areas (PROBLEM SKIN?!?!?! MY SKIN IS THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!)
f) prayers (lots of prayers!)
g) patience (lots of patience!!!)
TIMELINE FOR TREATMENTmaybe 3 months... maybe 4 months... who knows. *
shrugs shoulders* (WOW, HOW PROMISING....)
WORDS OF WISDOMa) "
you're LUCKY! this could have been so much worse"
b) "
you brought this upon yourself, staying out late and all that travelling to strange places..."
c) "
you should thank god. there are people who are so much more worse off than you!"
d) "
why don't you go see a doctor about it"
e) "
this is not something a doctor can cure"
f) "
it doesn't look that bad. don't be so conscious"
g) "
these kind of things just take time to heal..."..................
UN, I WANT TO STAY IN STORAGE UNTIL THIS IS OVER!!! COLD STORAGE.... somebody can come and unfreeze me when this nightmare is over
