hikayat hang kebilz

himpun.

2011-10-21T07:59:00.002+08:00

kenapa nak bersikap agresif terhadap agama lain dan menuduh mereka memurtadkan orang kita? kenapa tak biarkan yang didakwah tu buat keputusan sendiri? kalau dia murtad itu tanggungjawab and beban yang dia sendiri pikul. apa perasaan awak kalau orang kristian buat protes pasal ramai jejaka mat salleh yang masuk islam kerana nak bernikah dengan gadis islam?allah beri kita setiap seorang akal untuk berfikir untuk diri sendiri. tak perlu menggembleng orang macam kambing biri-biri.

and i really don't understand this need to "PERJUANGKAN ISLAM". we don't need to fight for its right. islam is a religion old enough and confident enough to know its place. no one is persecuting you if you go pray and fast. in fact, malaysia is the ONE country where islam doesn't need to 'diperjuangkan'. kalau ada umat islam yang hidup merempat then their problem is not their islamness, it's their poverty. then have a rally to eradicate that. if there are any islam people acting in an amoral manner (like religious clerics molesing their students for instance) then it's not an islam issue, it's a morality issue. persecute that.

senang cakap, jangan jadi bodoh lah. muhasabah diri tu dulu. islam apa yang nak awak gembar-gemburkan kalau pegawai polis yang sepatutnya menjaga keselamatan negara dengan selamba mengambil rasuah dalam bulan puasa. islam apa yang awak nak war-warkan kalau raja-raja dan kaum kerabat yang sepatutnya menjaga kehormatan islam sewenang-wenangnya minum arak dan berfoya-foya. tak malu ke kita nak menyalahkan orang atau agama lain sedangkan kita sendiri sungguh banyak silap dan aibnya?

i think the hypocrisy needs to stop and it needs to stop now. with our generation. we have to stop lying about who we are and what we are capable of (for eg. raping 23 day old baby). more than opposing proselytizing, we need to purge ourselves of this holier than thou attidude. kita tak layak to get on that moral high horse. kita patut sedar berapa hinanya kita sebagai satu bangsa dan berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri kita. we are a race that is known for having a sodomizing member of parliament, having a grp of women who promotes polygamy and group sex, numerous cases of incest and of fathers raping daughters. and all this with affirmative and a pro-malay policy in the constituition. tak malu ke?

huruf 'g' kecik tu tukar jadi 'G' besar...

2011-07-29T01:15:00.003+08:00

Dear god,

i just thought i should clarify so there's no confusion. when i asked and prayed that you make me a bigger person, i meant it in the metaphorical sense. not in the literal sense.

so what am i supposed to do now? i'm still a small person in a fatter frame.

dear god,

i pray for strength. lots of it. i'm gonna need it to haul this arse around.

i.am.a.despotic.housefly.

2011-06-24T10:57:00.001+08:00

i wake up every morning and eventually come into contact with little ppl and they do little stupid things that annoy me but because at this pt my life has no bigger purpose these little things just grow and grow to the point where they really get to me
and then because i don't have ANY of my coping mechanisms anymore they get into my head to the point where they ACTUALLY become a matter of great significance to me and then i get depressed and cry and then feel stupid for crying and then fall asleep tired and filled with self loathing
tu ajer....

so next time i get asked how i'm doing, i wish i could say

i'm doing stuff

the problem with the silent majority is their silence.

2011-05-10T17:20:00.001+08:00

sometimes in our overzealousness to protect the right of the oppressed, we overlook the fact that they are not even aware of these rights of theirs.

s'pore ge 2011

2011-05-04T14:18:00.002+08:00

i just hope amidst all the noise and pomp and talk, oh god, so much talk... someone is listening. at the end of the day, we can only hope that when all is said and done and the dust settles, we would not lose whatever it is that we hold dear... whatever it may be.

dear opposition ( in light of the 2011 general election)

2011-04-27T19:02:00.001+08:00

the first time i got to vote was 5 years ago in the 2006 GE. i was all of 25, a pol. sci. grad and so eager to exercise my democratic right. but just as i was leaving my flat, i saw a news clip on cna showing the opposition candidate of my smc, at a nearby cofeeshop cursing and talking rather loudly in mandarin with what looked suspiciously like a glass of guiness on the table in front of him (at twelve in the afternoon!).

i went into the voting booth, crushed. while on the one hand i acknowledge the need for a strong opposition in parliament to keep the govt in check, i can hardly say with all honesty that i believe that the oppo candidate would be able to represent and articulate my views and concerns. so i did what your ex-school mate did. i spoilt my vote. knowing from then on that i have relinquished my right to condemn whatever policies the govt put into place because when i had the chance to do something, i didn't.

i have recently gotten married and moved to malaysia. but even if i had moved farther away, i would have made all effort to come back and vote this time round. this election is something that all s'poreans, home and abroad, could be proud of. because for the first time we are given truly worthy alternatives to the PAP. this time round, i'm going to vote correctly and make sure my vote counts, towards a better s'pore and a more dignified system of governance.

i want to thank all of you for sticking your neck out for your beliefs and giving the rest of us a chance to truly practise and experience democracy.

what the hell, cher!

2011-03-23T17:07:00.005+08:00

wah lau, i feel so bloody cheated lor. i mean even though i did buy a pirated dvd but still i didn't spend bloody ten ringgit of my husband's hard earned money to watch a freaking rip off of 'make it happen', which is precisely what bloody 'burlesque' is.... kau, copycat siolz!!!

everything, man.... every freaking thing is the same. nak copy pun, agak-agak lah!

what a waste of one and half hours of my life.... cool costume tho.

and serious, cher sounds a MAN. not a man-woman but like a hundred percent tongkat ali guzzling jantan type man. scary.....

things that worry me

2011-03-19T16:09:00.004+08:00

of late thankfully, i've learnt to listen rather than contribute and talk crap... ( to be fair, most of those times it's because i've been too stoned and or out of depth to be of any substantial contribution ) but anyways, that's not the point.

lots of things have been worrying me...

are we, as a collective, getting too smart for our own good? to the point where we use what feeble knowledge and what little credentials we have to support our version of faith or lack of it.

are we in the spirit of self defense quoting the words of god in vain? do we justify our lack of muslimness by attacking the intention of those who reveal our flaws to us?

in times like the one we are living in, are we spouting platitudes like " i used to pray 5 times a day", "i've read the quran 5 times over", "i used to top my class in madrasah", " my parents have gone for haj a dozen times" to justify our lifestyle choices that are so evidently lacking in spirituality...

if we feel that our lifestyle and our lack of muslimness is under attack, then shouldn't we take a step back and muhasabah diri and see where we can improve as opposed to exposing the flaws of our attackers?

after all if we believe, if we truly believe that our religion is between ourselves and god then why are we employing the same tactics that our attackers use?

i haven't prayed for a while and worse still i have been lying about praying and sometimes i wonder maybe if that's the reason why i have become this mean spirited, intellectually pompous, self justificating creature who surrounds herself with like minded people so we can spend hours talking, contributing nothing to everything, so we can feel better about our pathetic selves.

if we like bags, we buy them. if we like science, we read about it. if we like technology we buy gadgets and read to keep ourselves updated. if we claim we are muslims, then shouldn't we practice it.

i have had so many stupid conversations about praying, ppl who pray, ppl who don't, ppl who ask you to pray and ppl who look down on you if you don't.

but seriously shida, if you can't even spare half an hour a day to pray and commune with God and take a break from your life and meditate about what kind of person you've become and your actions, then really...

what kind of muslim are you?

bittersweetgoodbye

2011-03-10T14:00:00.002+08:00

when we said goodbye yesterday i just want you to know that i'm really really excited for you cause you're finally walking the talk you've talked for years but i am really really tak bedek serious masuk icu pat changi hospital gonna miss you.

i know it's not as if one of us is going to die but i guess no more bo and babs show. damn it, it was my favourite tv series...

ok geng, take care eh... ape-ape picit. :" )

some people are just...

2011-02-10T14:01:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry but what the fuck is a LUNCHEON man???? seriously, like are you for real or what?

eh, why you so like dat ah? why you so like dat?

long overdue UPDATES

2011-02-08T15:29:00.002+08:00

oh yah and by the way, i got married and moved to matlazyia and as is quite evident, not doing much here...

just trying to get into their groove of things. cannot look too siao on, lest i be discovered for the closet chinese that i am... hee hee hee...

save me your sob stories, springer

2011-02-08T15:23:00.002+08:00

oh late, yet again, boredom and my futile attempt at lady-of-leisuredom has led me down the nasty nasty road of virtual voyeurism.... and i know at the end of the day, all it will leave me is a sick taste on my tongue and anger and rage that is totally directionless and useless... but because i am bebal and refuse to learn my lesson, i indulged... in a twisted sort of way, it sooths the yearning for a certain babi's presence in my life.

oh well, oh well, sewel...

2010-05-25T08:05:00.001+08:00

AAAARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i look at the pictures and it sinks in again. I AM ENGAGED.... WOW.... it's disbelief and happy-dippityness and shock and stuff and stuff....

i.m.grateful.

2010-04-03T04:02:00.002+08:00

i turn 29 two days ago and i am grateful for small pleasures like remembering how the night played out and ended, how the next day is a public holiday, how much my friends and family love me, how there's so many things to enjoy in the present and look forward to in the future.

today, for what it's worth i feel blessed.

thank you big guy for giving me chances and breaks despite all the bad decisions i make.
thank you to the parents for your twisted kind of love but love nevertheless and for making that hike up to the pedestal so i will always have someone to look up to.
thank you to my loves; past and present, female and male, for keeping me alive and yearning and breathing. hope is seriously underrated.
thank you to everyone who's ever rubbed my shoulders, shared my breath and not irritated the crap outta me, you guys made smiling easy peasy.

thank you to life for the wickid journey.

2010-01-21T09:57:00.003+08:00

just so we're clear and there's no confusion. my father is an asshole. sometimes he's a nice asshole but he's still an asshole. and with regards to me loving him and him being my father, the correct conjuction to use is 'because', not 'and'. please also note that one of the two statements, i.e the former, cannot exist independently.

i hope his knee really hurt him tonight!

oh fuck it.

2009-12-13T19:23:00.002+08:00

sleep
claim my ragged bones and wretched thoughts
i am tired
too tired to care
too tired of the when how where

these questions
maybe they're best left unanswered
dreams left deferred
intentions left interred

breathless

2009-11-23T23:50:00.003+08:00

and every breath i take is weighed the agony of the wait and the he said she said it grows late too late too late i saw it abate and i took the bait and now there's nothing left to do but lie in my bed the bed i made is dead it's dead oh why couldn't you just fix a date...

and you ask me... why not

2009-11-23T11:02:00.004+08:00

and i echoed back your invite
and it hung in the breath between us
a sliver of desire
and it snapped my reins
and it rained
it rained
and it ruined my restraint

and the sliver slipped
betwixt our lips
a lazy lap of wonder
and a question answered
yet i know no better
the morning after

aloposige

2009-11-20T20:30:00.003+08:00

maybe i created a lil havoc. maybe i stuck my nose where it shouldn't have been. i might even be a lil sorry about it but all i wanna say is i did what i did cause

(A)i was drunk on a bottle and a half of red wine (note to self: alcohol high is wasted when you're making serious adult type decisions)

(B)u know that despite and in spite it all i got your back, babs. i always got your back like you've got mine tho' we'd be the weirdest siamese twins to ever walk this earth

(C)i made the executive decision that no man or woman or chink should ever wreck your peace

(D)for all the lies i've spun, i speak the truth. the whole truth, even the ones you can't handle.

i love you morhpinester... u and muscato! : )

apa maksud lu......

2009-10-01T01:53:00.002+08:00

i really really wish people won't push my buttons. really. not because i can't handle it but because i pity them. the repercusssion is shit ugly. i get really really horribly mean and cutting and horrible and awful and mean, did i mention mean? i know where it hurts and how to make it hurt and if u take me there i have no qualms whatsoever inflicting pain on you. and i don't do half shots and i don't regret and i don't hold back. i don't like myself when i'm like that but while i'm at it i'll relish every second of it.

yes, i've been told. i have anger management issues.

i don't like bullshit and AKU BUKAN PEREMPUAN BODOH! so please don't think you can try and fool me into thinking something is something else. please go sell your sob story to a third rate tabloid cause i'm not in the market for melodramatic crap.

eeeee...... geramnyer.....

and they call us crazy, babs.... abih orang2 ni semua apa seh...

i gotta a feeling...

2009-09-25T12:03:00.000+08:00

doo dee doo dee doo....

i warned you, didn't i? you won't like it if i did. you won't like it one bit. cause i don't know how not to go full steam ahead down the ravine. it's never half past six in weyville. so i guess there's nothing left for you to do but watch as i do the full monty for all and sundry to see. and if the mood suits me, i might throw a thong in your direction.

smack THAT!

something BOOMZZ you know

2009-09-25T11:54:00.003+08:00

you should know by now i don't cope or deal
i rant and i vent
and i pay revenge
the course of action is definitely something
that you will rebuke and i will regret
maybe i'll break maybe i'll run
maybe i'll steal lie cheat or kill
maybe definitely i'll do something stupid
maybe we'll fix it
maybe not
right
now i don't really fucking care

i'm gonna make you sorry i lost a night's sleep

a roll in the hay is a roll in the hay, ho hey!

2009-09-24T03:54:00.004+08:00

it's nights like these that make me wish that babs is just a door away and i can just pop over and skate my way to oblivion.

it's so tiring to keep convincing myself to be stronger than i actually am and to stick to my guns and to pretend the temptations are not... well, tempting.

maybe i did not think this through. (oh what's new!) maybe it's not right to deprive him of the very things that shaped the relationship. for without sex, drugs and rock and roll, what's left?

the question is, do i then return to the fall i climbed out of and once again roll in the mud to keep him company or do i toss and turn in insomnic paranoia that he's partaking in someone else's wares what i no longer offer. for a rose by any other name, would it not smell as sweet?

as i sleep in the bed i made, is he rolling in her hay, ho hey?

HOW DARE THEY!

2009-07-22T08:44:00.002+08:00

"Seorang model pelancongan didenda RM5,000 dan enam sebatan oleh Mahkamah Tinggi Syariah Kuantan selepas mengaku salah meminum arak.

Hakim Syarie Datuk Abdul Rahman Yunus memerintahkan Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarnor, 32, dari Sungai Siput, Perak menjalani hukuman penjara tiga tahun, jika gagal membayar denda itu.

Tertuduh didakwa meminum arak jenama Tiger Beer di Cherating Bay Lounge, Hotel Legend, Cherating kira-kira pukul 11.40 malam pada 11 Julai tahun lepas, laporan Bernama.

Dia didakwa melakukan kesalahan itu mengikut Seksyen 136 Enakmen Pentadbiran Ugama Islam dan Adat Resam Melayu Pahang yang membawa hukuman denda maksimum RM5,000 atau penjara tidak melebihi tiga tahun atau kedua-duanya dan disebat tidak melebihi enam sebatan.

Abdul Rahman dalam penghakimannya berkata mahkamah tidak ragu-ragu dalam menjatuhkan hukuman selepas tertuduh mengaku bersalah ketika didakwa di mahkamah itu pada 1 Disember tahun lepas.

Tertuduh yang dilihat mengalirkan air mata ketika penghakiman dibacakan kemudian memohon penangguhan hukuman untuk rayuan melalui peguamnya, Mohd Zuki Che Mat Ghani.

Pendakwaan dilakukan Timbalan Pendakwa Syarie, Saiful Idham Sahimi."
-malaysiakini.com-

How dare they enact this law on that model when i know for a sure sure fact that the immediate members of the Pahang Royal family INCLUDING the Crown Prince drink and have been spotted drinking at various KL nightspots. and they're not the only culprits, i'm sure the out and about KLites will also tell you that so do members of the Johor Royal family. As for the rest of the other states, i don't know for a sure fact so i dare not say. And apparently according to my sources, ex-pm mahathir mohd rather enjoys his wine too. i find it very sad and pathetically third world of malaysia to impose a law that its own leaders and aristocracy can't uphold. don't get me wrong, i am a muslim and i too acknowledge that it is a sin to consume alcohol but i just don't think it's fair for the administration to go around imposing this law and penalising the commonfolk for 'breaking' it while at the same time turning a blind eye on the same sinful excesses when it's being committed by the ruling elite. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!! GRRRR!!!!

oh well, maybe i'm naive... and maybe it IS for the better. afterall, the koran does promise that for whatever sins committed, should you escape justice on earth, judgement awaits in the life hereafter...

so prepare to rot in hell's fire, hypocrites!

that.is.all

i'm off to see the wiz...

2009-06-13T13:49:00.003+08:00

oooh.... butterflies in the stomach. haven't had that in a while. i've been away for so long, the thought of my homecoming is making me feel all antsy....

*is it too late for a last minute prayer?*

oh and by the way, Happy 28th SHIDA! one year older and hopefully this time round, wiser.

cheers,
supreme dictator overlord.

abandonment issues.

2008-12-16T15:17:00.003+08:00

i don't think "they" really thought it through when "they" came up with the phrase "wild with abandon". does being abandoned drives you to be wild or do you get abandoned because you're wild.

i think when you get abandoned, the stark stillness and the loneliness and aloneless of it all claws at your heart and rends it apart. and your desperate frantic attempt to stop the pain, random and erratic in "their" eyes, gets mistaken for wild.

may he rest in peace, that little grey furball.

zouked out

2008-12-14T23:31:00.005+08:00

i finally did it!!!! i finally danced from twilight to sunrise. I AM THE ORIGINAL ROCK STAR! woot woot! and pippi IS da smooth operator. he was truly wickid wickid wickid and feet, they just won't stop. or maybe my three hour power nap did me more good than i realised.

2008-12-13T09:14:00.001+08:00

i dun need YOU to tell me who i am and what i'm like. i'm having way too much fun getting to know me.

i don't do hatemails.

2008-12-13T08:52:00.004+08:00

don't worry lil boy, i'm not going to bombard your inbox with a list of why you are a first class arse. some experiences should just be lived and not written.

besides it's a letter i'm better off writing to myself than to you. afterall you know why you're an arse, you live with yourself. i on the other hand need the constant reminder cause sometimes when the sun is shining just so, i slip and i forget how bad it got when it was baaad. and i let myself believe that life can be a bed of roses, true love does conquer all and fairy tales do live happily ever after.

ape jer!

i know who you are, FUCKER!!!!!!!

2008-11-04T23:37:00.002+08:00

more eloquent words have yet to be spoken.

this goes out to all the cloak-and-dagger-talam-dua-muka-self righteous-kaki tangkaps out there. please BURN! after reading.

now i know why malkovich's got a movie made about being him. he kicks ass. nuff said.

minutes of the meeting.

2008-10-21T17:18:00.002+08:00

it has been a long conference but some things in life are worth the long and arduous journey because some of us take a while to wake up, and some of us, even though awake, take some time to put thoughts into action. but when it does come together and take flight, the beauty takes my breath away.

no words, no matter how poetic, can do justice to two moons of toil and sweat and sore and ache and doubts and disappointment and disapproval and disregard and .

no verse, no matter how delicately strung together, is ode enough to the patience and passion and grit and imagination and love and sincerity and sacrifice and soul and heart that pathed the way.

at the end of it all, numbers mean nothing; 30, 70, 85, 110...
cause we come from that ONE and to that ONE we return.

may we all find our way back to the start of the circle. insya-allah.

don't

2008-10-16T02:49:00.002+08:00

don't come looking
don't say hi
don't ask why
don't come knocking at my door in the middle of the night
don't come tugging at my heartstring
don't spoil for a fight
don't you know it's not right

i realise what i want
is what i cannot get
and shouldn't have

i will move forward
not away from you
but towards me

and everything else is just a Plan B

counting sheep

2008-10-16T02:33:00.002+08:00

bila burung bersidang, manusia tak boleh tidur...

hair today, gone tomorrow

2008-10-08T02:03:00.000+08:00

monster in my ear

2008-10-06T10:53:00.004+08:00

how dare you
come in the stealth of the night and steal my peace
swagger back into my life like it's still yours
and wreck the precious fragile cocoon of calm that took so much out of me to create

how dare you
ask for that which you cannot give
take something leave nothing
and come back demanding for change

how dare you

sonata insomnia

2008-09-24T02:10:00.004+08:00

malam ini aku mencari rinduku
yang diselimut marahku,
diselaput jengkelmu.

malam ini ku harap ketemu damaiku
yang berambal janjimu,
bertiang anganku.

malam ini biarlah bulan pula memujuk pungguk
biarlah enggang yang iring pipit
setarakanlah yang berdarjat
sejinggangkanlah yang pincang

izinkanlah Amran duduk di takhta,
apalah salah si Azizah berkelana

tengkukku lenguh mendongak
aku dah lelah berkehendak

nyiurku layu
bertelapak cemuh,
hatiku rentung tidak diteduh.

midsummer.in.malaysia

2008-09-23T11:59:00.002+08:00

it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled. now when i snap my fingers you would wake up and all that's transpired between you and him would just be a dream. got it?

it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled.
it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled.
it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled.
it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled.
it wasn't real. it never was. you were fooled.

*snap* *snap*

190806-190908

the topic tonight is... love.

2008-09-19T17:22:00.009+08:00

maybe we really did get it on under false pretenses. sorry i dragged you off your moral high horse into my valley of dolled up skanks and whores. seriously though malaysian, sometimes i think we DO push each other too far. i called you a bigot, you question my lack of ethics but at the end of the day we plaster fake smiles on our lips and agree to disagree. but maybe just for once we should disagree about agreeing and throw in the now not-so-white flag and call this whole shebang off. i'm tired of justifying my less than ordinary life and i'm sure you're just as drained from maintaining your lofty morals where they are.

maybe the truth is, birds of a feather DO flock together and your plume and mine are just a shade too different for us to nest on the same perch.

maybe we should try this again at another time. when we're both ready to take off our rose tinted glasses and call a spade a ...

dirty and muddy farming tool. ( which is exactly what it is )

maybe we'll meet in another lifetime, when we're both cats.

random accidentals- are there any other kind?

2008-09-19T11:22:00.002+08:00

i didn't know this bus goes down memory lane
each stop a tombstone
begging for a flower or a prayer
a sign that i still remember

i want to oblige
but something tells me don't bother
these empty graves were filled with sweet nothings

we cannot exhume what was never buried
we cannot bury that which hasn't died
the dream you weaved, oh how you must have lied

and like the fool, i traverse your thorny rainbow
looking for the pot...
looking for the pot of promises told...

catch 22 conundrum

2008-09-18T01:29:00.001+08:00

...because i allowed myself to feel
your memory refuse to fade
what i cannot forget
i will not forgive...

... he's leaving on a jet plane ...

2008-09-04T18:22:00.002+08:00

and so the light of my life, the wind beneath my wings, the silent witness to my trial and tribulations... the tides of change has come to claim you again...

you are all the men and all the women and all the playthings and all the significant in my life rolled into one. and i will give up any one of them in a heartbeat if that will make you stay but it won't and i won't. because we both agree better to have you happy but far than miserable but within reach.

so leave darl, where your heart takes you and your mind is at peace. and know that your sentinel is here always.

oy mi canto alicante! (whatever the hell that means...)

2008-08-28T11:39:00.002+08:00

what does it mean when someone tells you you have the loyalty of a hyena in a feeding frenzy?

2008-08-26T19:53:00.005+08:00

what goes around comes around because...

GOD IS FAIR

white.black.white.black.white.black.

2008-08-26T19:07:00.006+08:00

i like yellow...

submarine, butter gravy, sunflowers, chrysanthemum tea, mashed potatoes, bananas, emoticons, egg yolks, durians, my aldo sneakers, my new dress... hey, even ribbon.

i've paid my dues to society. yet another philanthropic community project by yours truly. oh laugh friends, laugh... i remembered not too long ago when your faces were green at the sight of my lats. charity does have its benefit you know. which reminds me, must ring changers up to see if they're accepting volunteers. KHAKHAKHAKHAKHA...

tsk! ...she falls, she gets up, she falls again, she never learn...

angels flying too close to the ground

2008-08-22T18:54:00.003+08:00

thank you for the season out of sun
a lunar's fill of frivolity and fun
thank you for pulling the plug
i see now the dust b'neath the rug

and she shall take flight again...

tating siol....

2008-08-20T00:24:00.007+08:00

i swear to god some people have the maturity level of a freaking zygote and the balls the size of a micro organism.

look, to be fair, i've never asked for what you were not willing to offer. i'm not one to go looking and grovelling and begging for what you cannot or will not give. i only partake in what is part of our bargain. and all i ask is for you to hold up your end of it and treat me with the respect i gave you though you bloody don't deserve it. the difference between us is i, for one, had the good luck of being raised by parents who saw the sense in bringing me up with manners and ethics.

it's really damn stupid lah. didn't have to get ugly and awkward. we could have ended this episode with a friendly handshake and a hug and gone on with our separate lives. if u had been balls enough to pick up your freaking phone and explain what "complicated" situation you've managed to land your sorry selves in, i can assure you i have the intellectual capacity and compassion to emphatise with you and cut you some slack and be cool with it. but you monkeys had to be some gutless pathetic losers and dodge and squirm and come up with lame-ass excuses for your inability to act in a remotely human and humane manner. the worse thing is that you actually for a second believe that i'm buying your bullshit bollocks?

eh mat, lu ingat gua beranak smalam kaper? JANGAN KENTAL AH.

i seriously have no time for this drama mama shit. for what's it's worth, it was fun when it was fun but excuse me for bailing out when you try to make something out of nothing. my life has too much going for it for me to waste my time and indulge you.

thanks though. it's been an experience.

goodbye godot!

2008-08-18T01:34:00.003+08:00

i think it's about time i try. and be good or suck real bad. but try anyways.

i've had enough of living my life going "oh i could have if i wanted to but i just could't be bothered.."

let's make something out of it. be somebody. this neither here nor there thumb twiddling vaccillating business is driving me bonkers.....

epiphany

2008-08-07T01:35:00.002+08:00

i know now how it feels. happy.

it's when your whole body feels all tingly. cliche i know but it's true. and in your head you see it over and over and over again. that one moment when it all crystallises and you truly feel.

for an emotional retard it is better than anything. it makes it worth everything. and more. and even these words don't do justice to it. and you try to explain it. encapsulate it in gestures. in your smile but nothing quite describe this that bubbles in you and spills over and keeps going and going and going. and i will keep it and remember it and savor it and relish it and let it roll over my tongue my hand my every nerve and visit and revisit it.

today i met my angel. and she is warm and hot and angry and loving and there and sets me free and watch me fly and let me fall so i learn to pick myself up and nurse my own wounds. she made me feel hurt so i can feel joy.

she is all of them and all we went through in a small black room. she is my spine and my gut and all the times i tried to justify to him why i'm here and not there where he wants me to be. she makes all the 'i don't know's mean something more than what i think they mean.

i wish you can be here where i'm at. soaring above the skies and falling to the ground. finally the mind can take a rest because the heart knows where it's meant to be and how to get there...

mane pulak si chipsmore ni...

2008-07-31T12:16:00.004+08:00

aren't we getting a tad too old to be playing hide and seek, my friend? sometimes i wish i have a search engine of my own or a tagging device of some sort so that bila aku ketok botol kat bawah tingkap kau macam sudin and you don't reply i won't be spending a sleepless night in the hills plagued by guilt and nightmares of the paranoid adroid variety like i did semalam.

maybe i'm overreacting. maybe we've come too far for me not to care.

as much as i know it's gonna irritate me i'm wishing hard for the "sorry gua concussed" sms that's got your name all over it.

i hope it's all good on your coast.

the re-education of Yayat pt.2

2008-07-26T15:44:00.003+08:00

in every scene, in every episode, in every spoken word and silent gesture the character must always have and be aware of her stake.

what's a stake?
- something that the character treasures and holds dear
- something that's happening that makes the character vulnerable to the possibility of failure

it is only when she has a stake that she finds and defines her space and it is only then that we can have cohesion or tension and friction between characters.

it is only when sparks fly that fireworks can be created.

did i get that right boss?

postnote to un: i really didn't mean to flatulate in your room upon arrival. i guess it's true what they say, old habits DO die hard, especially old BAD habits. heh.

the re-education of Yayat.

2008-07-25T10:46:00.002+08:00

yesterday i learnt that three things makes a character

1) how they want other people to see them
2) what they truly are
3) how other people actually see them

now isn't that something to think about...

MissInginAction.

2008-07-21T09:15:00.005+08:00

here's the thing about a lil something something. if you want it, you can always get it. in whichever way or form and all its varied permutations.

i was on my deathbed, halfway between my pillow and the toilet door when i had the funniest call from lil scholar about his saturday night shenanigans with chubaka and yusof haslam. and for the life of me i would never imagine. but for what it's worth i take my hat off to lil scholar. i know whatever fun you had is prolly a poor substitute for the kinda fun you REALLY wanna have but hey, you know what they say. if you can't be with the one you love then love the one you're with eh? HAHAHA.

till wednesday, j. and the madness shall stop.

sick to the stomach

2008-07-18T20:32:00.002+08:00

a lot of people i know hate being sick.

they hate that their whole body feels like it's on fire and as if there are a million needles poking their backs from inside out and that they're going to the toilet and peeing from their arse every five minutes and puking food they didn't eat and just generally suffering and wishing they were dead.

i actually think it's quite healthy. it's my body's way of taking a break from from the torture and abuse and neglect i put it through, a purging of sorts.

the bad thing is, it's friday and i'm in bed and alone while everyone else is out painting the town in all the colours of the rainbow and every shade in between.

boo...

a lil more conversation a lil less action

2008-07-18T19:51:00.004+08:00

it was a welcome respite from the constant posturing and posing and making sure that your hair is always in place and that your best angle is always ready for the random roaming lens.

it was an evening absent of the intrusive 'click click' of the trigger happy.

it was a night where nothing was documented and uploaded for posterity and so the mental pictures we took will have to do.

it was more than i could ask for. it was what i was missing.

it was fun to play grown up and buy rounds and split bills with people who can afford it and go somewhere quiet for drinks and conversation; good conversation that doesn't involve slamming or judging, and not fidget every 5 sec or so trying to find ways to fill the silence and pay for cover and groove to music with lyrics and just have a ball of a time and be comfortable and not have to wake up the next morning and worry that your shenanigans have been broadcasted to the world.

it was a relief.

it was a reminder
that i have and i am a grown up.

now if only i can remember...

angelism

2008-07-16T08:03:00.002+08:00

HIS voice in dual sound

layered loaded
litany littered with lessons and lashings.

four flights of fancy
plummet into heaven

the aircon going
drip
drip
drip

the.curse.of.the.firstborn.

2008-05-23T11:37:00.002+08:00

i think in my eagerness to please and prove his every fantasy true i've aided and conspired in helping my dad forget that i am a girl. so what if i've always taken care of my own finances. so what if i managed to buy him a car two months after getting my first job. so what if despite whatever financial quagmire i land myself in i 've never onced missed my monthly payments OR my mother's allowance OR money for my brother. I'M A GIRL!!! A FREAKING GIRL!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CPFs OR JOB STABILITY AND ALL THAT SHIT. I'M NOT FAT OR UGLY OR STUPID OR CRAZY OR RETARDED. I CAN COOK AND WASH AND CLEAN AND ALL THAT STUPID SHE-BANG! AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE, I'M SURE I CAN CONVINCE SOMEONE TO MARRY ME AND TAKE CARE OF ME IF IT WORRIES HIM SO MUCH THAT I'M STILL ALONE AND UNSTABLE.

a job with cpf OR marriage. wow, THANKS DAD! talk about choices!

MAK ENGKAU...

2008-01-23T17:17:00.000+08:00

yo momma's so fat
if you wanna see her neck, she got to lean back till her head touches her big ass.

yo momma's so fat,
when she farts, it registers 6.7 on the Richter scale

yo momma's so anal,
when she farts, it sounds like Minnie Mouse.

yo momma's so cheap,
she makes y'all pay cover charge at family reunions.

yo momma's so stupid,
they let her park at the "Handicap" lot.

yo momma's so fat,
the firemen rushed to save the grand piano instead of her when your house caught fire last year.

yo momma's SO fat,
the fire is still burning!

OI! pasal mak jangan main eh! (read: OI! why you gotta bring my momma into this?)

ain't got nothing against yo momma, just letting off steam that's all. peace y'all!

so where do we go from here, smartypants?

2008-01-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

you don't really realise how much impact that ONE decision you make can affect the rest of your life. so when i said bye to my less-than-perfect, peanuts-for-pay job, i was actually saying goodbye to the opportunity of ever stepping foot onto the hallowed 30th storey office of world.spoilt.geezer. and it doesn't matter what step-granpop from hell said at my farewell party or how much court jester and the mat hatter would love to have me in their circus act. if the tight-arsed ringmaster has a vendetta against the prodigal daughter then no way in hell could she return. which i think royally sucks. but i guess that's the way the game is played.

so what do i do now? where do i go? how do i pump up my already pathetic and dwindling bank account with much needed funds? well, you know, i'd like to think that i am not without resources and contacts but outside of the farcical world of dimpled balls and flimsy shafts what else have i got and who else do i know.

well, i guess maybe it's time to really step outside into the big bad world and see what it has to offer. this kampong girl has to really step it up and find out if her pearl lies in another oyster.

wooosha............

*deep breaths now, deep breaths.......*

humpty-dumpty

2008-01-14T14:18:00.000+08:00

how do you put back together a life that you yourself have systematically and meticulously taken apart and torn asunder?

she's gone awry...
she's gone a while...

call me so there's light...

2008-01-13T10:22:00.000+08:00

a fleeting flashback of yesternight
came back as if to haunt
or perhaps, taunt.

heart jackhammering furiously
as if in a mad dash
already late to keep a date with death
or a dance with danger

desire often overcomes fear
fear of the unknown so easily choked by the desire for the sinful

careless to ricocheting repercussions
callous to the loose cannons of consequence
triple axling with abandon
cosy in the comfort that
the conscience left convalescing
will eventually be revived and reinstated

and lines will once again be towed
lives lived in order
socks pulled up
acts cleaned up

oh, round and round go the wheels of my bicycle
till there's no more air left in its tyres
squeezed dry,
running on empty

and there it lies now
decrepit and dejected
its metals rusty, rotting away
its rubbers cracked and crushed,
rejection oozing from every open pore

like a cold sore.

i guess all that hot air took its toll on my bicycle
and all the smoke in the world couldn't cloud my saucer eyes

broken
a sliver of a ghost
my bicycle

so
did it come to haunt,
or perhaps taunt?

it's time...

2008-01-09T07:29:00.000+08:00

heh

2007-12-24T08:44:00.000+08:00

as is quite obvious from my posts... i have, quite clearly, not mastered the art of growing up.

it's rather disturbing to realise that, in my case, age and maturity seems to be inversely related.

babi!

Pinnacle of Petty Pedantia.

2007-11-04T12:08:00.000+08:00

(This excerpt is taken from a real-life situation.)

Journo: Erm… Excuse me, where can I find today’s draw sheet?

Pretentious PR Prickette: It’s at the pigeonhole area over there where all the tournament information is. Round 4 draw sheet could be found in the top left hand corner slot of the first panel.

Journo: Huh, where?!? (looks “blur” and scratches head)

Pretentious PR Prickette: Here, I’ll show you where it is.

PPP leads the poor confused journo to the said “tournament information” section of the media centre and passes him a draw sheet. Media girl turns her head around.

Media Girl: You know, you could just take some of the draw sheets and put them near your table at the entrance. It'll be so much easier that way.

Pretentious PR Prickette: Oh, we don’t want to confuse the situation. See, at this morning's meeting we’ve made a decision that all information pertaining to the tournament should be at the pigeonhole area. Some of the press might come in from that door instead of the main entrance and they might panic if they’re in a hurry and they can’t find the draw sheets there.

Media Girl: (to herself) Panic. And pandemonium. At a golf tournament. Gasp, the horror!!! (rolls eyes…) Well, I didn’t say take all. Why don’t you just take SOME with you and leave some behind.

Pretentious PR Prick: (frowns as if in serious thought)Yah, i suppose that's alright.

Media Girl: (to herself) You don’t say….

- The End. –

Note to self: (A) Good god, these chinese people really know how to look busy when there really is truly, fuck ALL to do.
(B) This IS what it’s really like in the working world, Shida. Just lots of people running around looking busy doing fuck all and making executive decisions about NOTHING really and writing memos about it and making 20 copies of it for distribution and doing everything at the speed of bloody slow km/h so that they look like they're working and doing something of signficance ALL the time.
(C) Any attempts to deviate from the above working culture will ensure a swift plunge down the popularity ladder and possible unemployment.

heh.

the.funky.jengers.

2007-10-25T12:14:00.000+08:00

"boleh jalan pengsan john... tapi kena maintain. pasal kalau mengaku lost dah tak macho..."
- Tuan Rumah

Attack Of The 'Two-Litre-Terror'.
that night was a clash of the titans part I (though it's prolly part II or III for Tuan Rumah) and while both emerged unscathed and left the coliseum with their heads held up high, i gotta tell you balls, it was a long whacked out cab ride home back to the north.west. kadang-kadang macam tengah naik bot kat tengah laut pun ader, macam tengah dalam bullet train pun ader, macam kat dalam teksi apek cheena pun ader.

all i gotta say is; y'all, from the west coast to the east coast; RESPECT. aight...

Cameo Appearance By KAKAK DANCER
(Feat THE RELUCTANT ROLLER).
maybe it was the pants, maybe it was the funky track playing on his record player, maybe the mamak slipped a little something something into the kuah rojak but all i know is it got her to her feet dancing a la 'a night at the roxbury'. UNFORGETTABLE. she certainly strikes me as someone who could use a little bit of greens in her diet. just for colour... heh

the 'kucing kuraps' got me going
jamal 'ah-bedal-lah' blew me away
but, rosemaria...
she i "heart"

and the crowd goes... "SAPA SIOL ROSEMARIA? rosemariaM aku kenal lah..."

unravelling the untruth.

2007-10-09T13:30:00.000+08:00

How do I tell you that I don’t know now if I want this anymore. How do I tell you that you shouldn’t have given me time to pause and think because now I’m entertaining thoughts that I thought are beyond my reach. how do I tell you that you shouldn’t have faltered because now I think I’ll dare to dream. and leave behind all this. Leave behind the parents who will never be satisfied, leave behind the appetite that will never be sated and the boyfriend who will never be placated.the job that is mundane and the concerns that are inane

how do I tell you that maybe I want to leave 'you and me'. how do I tell you that just maybe I’ve had enough of your vacillating between ‘me’ and we.

How do I say what’s running through my head as we spoke of the weather and what we had for dinner and how much we miss each other.

How did something so sweet get so bitter.

How are you today my dear, how i wish you are here.

do you remember your birthday parties?

2007-09-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

do you remember where you went, what you ate, what you took, who you were with, what shape and flavor was your cake, what you wore, who gave what, when, how and why.

do you remember the morning after?

do you remember being one year older and none the wiser?
do you remember celebrating that?

the fuzzy polaroids in your mind, your only proof as life unwinds...

how to spot a janex junkie

2007-09-19T13:54:00.000+08:00

you don't need it but still you look for it.
you can't refuse it.
you hate it but still you seek it.
you can't go without it.
you know you're better off without it.
you know you shouldn't depend on it.
you know you shouldn't have a surfeit of it.
you know you need to find alternatives to it.

yet all that knowledge means jackshit.

...all that knowledge means jackshit.

you.crave.for.it.you.want.it.you.wish.you.have.it.you.forsake.others.for.it.you.obsess.about.it.

it.fills.your.waking.thoughts.and.your.fitless.sleep.it.eats.you.alive.and.spit.you.out.whole.

and.still.you.come.crawling.back.begging.for.more..,

Of lost marbles and burst bubbles.

2007-09-18T16:05:00.000+08:00

So what I said sent you reeling back into the gray abyss you thought you left behind. And the look on your face that I heard through the receiver pronounced the sentence your lips couldn’t deliver. you thought you hid it well, the conundrums you concocted to cloud your conscience. And i thought no one could tell, the charades i conceived to complicate my karma.

And still we play this cat and mouse game of holding on to what our hearts cannot let go and what our heads know we cannot get.

my fool's paradise your stomping ground

... and I remain your pessimistic optimist.

2007-09-15T15:22:00.000+08:00

i will stake a thousand sunsets
vermillion with my love

and with the break of dawn
my heart takes flight
an entourage of hope

patience is your virtue
passion, my gift to you...

TWO

2007-09-14T00:46:00.000+08:00

too.fast.too.furious.too.much.too.soon.tonight.too.late.to.stop.torrential thoughts.tumors.touche.touche.touch me.tomorrow...

to.be.continued.to.the.end.

pulitzer prize- to be awarded posthumously (NOT!)

2007-08-20T18:18:00.001+08:00

yay!!!! NEWSFLASH... i've been quoted! which means... i don't have to wait till i'm dead to be famous. i feel so touched and honoured that someone out there deems my "psychobabble bullshit" worthy of quoting. in fact, i'm sooooo happy that i didn't even mind the fact that the all important "...." was missing... must have been an oversight. i totally understand. it's easy to be careless when in the presence of genius. heh.....

i feel so smart. and wise. and brilliant. and profound. and intellectual. and sensitive. and revered. and adored.

i feel like a rockstar.

i feel...

...like hitler when he won the elections in '33...

wickid!

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

2007-08-03T16:19:00.000+08:00

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Q: does that sound like me?
A: NO!
Q: does that sound like the inner me i never knew existed?
A: heh... NO! I'M TOO OLD TO BE FOOLED BY FREUDIAN-esque PSYCHOBABBLE BULLSHIT.
Q: what does this mean then?
A: STOP WASTING YOUR TIME TAKING IDENTITY-DEFINING TESTS...

kehadapan kekanda robert smith...

2007-08-02T10:22:00.000+08:00

abang,

saya mintak ma'aflah tak dapat jumpa abang semalam kat sungai kallang walaupun kita dah lama janji. kawan-kawan saya nampak abang. diaorang cakap abang sedih rabak... rambut abang kusut-masai, celak abang comot semua. abang, janganlah macam gitu... kan abang sendiri yang cakap 'boys dont cry'... saya tau hati abang luka, saya tahu 'sorry, no cure'... tapi saya ada tuliskan pantun dua sebagai err.. penawar. saya harap abang suka...

"saya tak kesahlah kalau isnin biru
selasa kelabu and rabu pun cam gitu
khamis i tak endahkan u
juma'at saya in LUP!

isnin kau pegilah hancur berderai
selasa rabu hatiku berkecai
khamis blum lagi sampai
juma'at saya in LUP!"

lain kali kalau nak jumpa, abang try lah hari juma'at eh, bang...

salam sayang,
adik shida.

according to dr quack

2007-08-01T10:19:00.000+08:00

SYMPTOMS

a) a nerve-ous twich on the left eye
b) inability to close right eye fully
c) loss of control over right facial muscle
d) tensing up of left facial muscle
e) inability to chew food properly
f) inability to drink properly
g) inability to gargle
h) speech impediment (esp with constants like "P", "B" etc)
i) a growing resemblance to comic character "THE MASK" of elastic, contorted face fame
j) deteriorating mental health
k) surly and unpleasant disposition

DIAGNOSIS

a) disturbed by evil spirits
b) possibly the victim of black magic
c) 'mini' stroke
d) test of patience

TREATMENT

a) 3 X massage and prayers by learned woman who is a respectable member of the local mosque community (read: credible authority)
b) half hearted nightly massages by father at mother's insistence and constant nagging
c) a gallon of holy water to be drunk as and when neccessary (can somebody get me an IV drip please? )
d) mysterious, nameless homeopathic 'rat poison'-looking mini pills (4 pills each dosage, 3 doses a day)
e) 'Robinson Skin Cream- for problem skin' - to be administered as a balm or rub for self massage on affected areas (PROBLEM SKIN?!?!?! MY SKIN IS THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!)
f) prayers (lots of prayers!)
g) patience (lots of patience!!!)

TIMELINE FOR TREATMENT

maybe 3 months... maybe 4 months... who knows. *shrugs shoulders* (WOW, HOW PROMISING....)

WORDS OF WISDOM

a) "you're LUCKY! this could have been so much worse"
b) "you brought this upon yourself, staying out late and all that travelling to strange places..."
c) "you should thank god. there are people who are so much more worse off than you!"
d) "why don't you go see a doctor about it"
e) "this is not something a doctor can cure"
f) "it doesn't look that bad. don't be so conscious"
g) "these kind of things just take time to heal..."

..................

UN, I WANT TO STAY IN STORAGE UNTIL THIS IS OVER!!! COLD STORAGE.... somebody can come and unfreeze me when this nightmare is over

sakit hati VS kecik hati VS tawar hati.

2007-07-30T11:57:00.000+08:00

it's getting to that point now; where you no longer anger or hurt or disappoint.

it's getting to the point now; where you no longer matter.

distance

2007-07-29T21:46:00.000+08:00

distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder. distance sometimes makes it hard for the heart to stay fond.

i have come to realise (yes, this is another of my famous "moments of epiphany") how difficult it is to be together and apart at the same time. i mean, i shud have seen it coming long ago right... together and apart is oxymoronic! that aside, it's just really hard to be with another person when you're both living your own separate lives, when almost nothing you do is simultaneous or synchronised. how do know you are going down the same path if not only aren't you walking hand in hand but you hardly bump into each other. how do you know you'll be there for each other if you're never there for each other? how do you know how far blind faith is going to take you?

is it love when you know your words will break his heart and you say it anyway?

is it love when she's fighting for her life and sanity and you're out having a party?

saya harap awak faham.

2007-07-28T21:08:00.000+08:00

there's lots of pain in this world. learning all about it in one week is surely a crash course that would send even test dummies running in the opposite direction.

there's the kind that you don't actually feel physically but is slowly eating its way to the core of your sanity and reconfiguring your life as you know it. the kind that taunts you with its invisibility and invincibility till the thought of jumping off a cliff actually provides you with some kind of relief. it's the kind that lies just half an inch out of your grip so you can't grasp it and figure it out and fix it.

and then there's the real, blinding, honest to goodness please stop kinda pain that makes you shout your mom's name, in vain. cause even though she's just right there by your side there's nothing she can do to make it stop. it's the kind you sadistically endure because it's suppose to make you better. or you hope it can make you better. it's the kind that is based on faith. faith that your parents will be right the way they've never been wrong; back when you were young and naive. faith that truly God is All-forgiving and will help even habitual vagrant sinners like yourself if you asked in your moment of need. and the faith that the dispenser of that pain really knows what she's doing and that you're not suffering in vain.

and then there's the pain of the unknown. the not knowing what the hell is wrong with yourself. why is this happening to you (even though you managed to convince yourself you deserve it and it's like a premature purgatory). how do you know you made the right choice by choosing one remedy instead of the other. how much worse off would you be if you belatedly realised you have made the wrong choice. how, if the shit hits the fan, you're the only one who's taking the hit. the kind of pain that makes you fervently pray in the dark that this is all just a wicked wicked nightmare. the kind that makes you want to lash out at everyone else cause they're lucky enough to not have to go through this. the kind that makes you feel that noboby gets it and nobody is holding your hand and walking you through this and nobody gives a flying F^&% about you or that even if they do it doesn't matter cause it's not as if they're going through it with you. and so, nobody mattters.

it's the kind of pain that leaves you alone, shivering in the cold yet declining every hug that is offered. it's the kind that drives you off the cliff, freefalling into nothing.

it's the kind that hurts.

25/07/2007-28/07/2007-...

smooth.criminal.

2007-07-16T12:06:00.000+08:00

"So Annie Are You OK?
Are You OK,
Are You OK, Annie?!?"
-Michael Jackson

i worry about annie
i worry about buddy
i worry about the crazy three
and their chronic malady

don't i worry about me?

1 missisippi... 2 missisippi... 3
keep counting till i'm history

we like it smooth
we like it thick
we like it chunky monkey brick

why worry
no one's sorry
it's a neverending story

"worry is like a 'rock'ing chair. it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere..."
-Mr Pandai.

ALL HAIL FOODBLOGGERS!!!

2007-07-12T14:33:00.000+08:00

i dunnoe who you are or what you look like or what you do for life but i just want to thank you for filling up these seemingly endless hours at work with your delightful reviews of restaurants and grub. you guys rock my world!

if anything good or useful ever came out of this whole internet/ blogging bamboozle, it's FOOD BLOGS.

love 'em, love 'em, love 'em. can't get enough of them. they've given a new lease of life to my otherwise dreary yuppie-scum existence. now, when i meet up with my friends, we've always got something exciting, some new unventured territory to look forward to. it's also made me the *drumrolls* SUPREME DICTATOR OVERLORD (!!!) of my newly established, 5-man strong Food Club (dia macam 'Fight Club' tapi kita tak gaduh, kita makan)

okay... i know i'm gushing... but seriously, thanks y'all! if i could hug you i would (except you'd prolly think i'm a raving lunatic to come up to virtual *pun intended* strangers and hug you silly!)

beyond.salvation.

2007-07-11T16:59:00.000+08:00

i know somewhere along the line, i lost the plot. if i get 50-cents for everytime someone tells me i am a wastrel who had frittered away all of god's gift to me, i'd prolly be able to pay off my 4-digit amt credit card bill.those years where i could have really made a somebody out of myself i spent looking for the ultimate high and the shoes and bags to match it. well, i hope i was happy.

you are what you eat drink inhale ingest think wear feel say.

you are the monster of your creation.
you are the repercussion of your actions.

i am what i have accomplished.
if i see a blank, that's just the mirror staring back at me.

excuse me while i blow some steam and lose my head...

2007-07-09T15:57:00.000+08:00

STOP LYING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stop telling me i'm the centre of your universe and i'm the be all and the end all of your life when we both know that numerous other things come before me like your shop, your future shopS, your family, your boys, your soccer, your friends, your trips, your parties, your life etc...

stop trying to placate me with stupid useless mushy mushy bullshit . don't you know a person can only survive so much for so long on a non-existent future and pawnshop promises of ever after before they get bitter and ugly; running on empty.

stop shoving drivel up my ears when WE BOTH know you can't and won't deliver what you promised.

2007-07-09T09:23:00.000+08:00

"All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But... "

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW...

it's been a while, eh....

2007-07-04T15:04:00.000+08:00

"Dinda... di manakah kau berada
Rindu aku ingin jumpa
Meski lewat nada
Kau dengarkan segenap rasa tertumpah
Mengalun dalam gitarku
Ngelangutkan jiwa

Melangkah dari bayangan
Kala aku pulang
Terkenang kisah kita bersama
Mengingat jalan yang panjang
Pernah kita tempuh
Namun badai memisahkan

Berkhayal tentang dirimu
Telahkah berubah
Sekian waktu jauh dariku
Mereka-reka rencana
Apa kan kita buat
Bila ada perjumpaan

Dinda... di manakah kau berada
Biar kita isi malam
Menangis tertawa
Dan sampaikan kepada langit dan bintang
Sebentuk cinta yang ada
'Kan tetap terjaga

Denting dawai-dawai gitarku memanggil..."
- Katon Bagaskara

Hai lah Katon, sungguh tak ku duga kau ni pun kaki pam jugak...

how.the.smart.gets.smarter

2007-06-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

... and the rich gets richer.

i have to continually and constantly remind myself that the only way to amass ANYTHING of great quantity (be it knowledge, wealth or shoes) is to not dispense it arbitrarily and in an abandoned flashy fashion. it reeks of the lack of upbringing and class.

the smart gets smarter by keeping quiet and not divulging to others what they know; listening to what others are saying and then collecting and collating that information for their own record purposes and use later on.

and the rich gets richer by hoarding whatever wealth they have and not frittering it away at their whim and fancy on the latest over-inflated "luxury" must-haves.

it is often the nouveaux intelligentsia (hmmm... does such a term even exist? well now it does!) and the nouveaux riche who go around flaunting their new acquisitions.

must remind self not to end up crass and uncouth and common, like a 2-seasons-ago gucci bag on 'SALE'.

better off without actually.

mantra of the day: "saya ni bodoh, tuan..." (ala Labi in "Labu-Labi")

note.to.self.

2007-06-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

if you're not careful, you might become what you hate.

"fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

my.friend.marn.is.so.witty.

2007-06-21T16:59:00.000+08:00

when asked for his perspective on current issues, he so eloquently revived a pantun of yore...

"Asal kapas jadi benang,

Dari benang kubuat kain.

Yang sudah lepas jangan dikenang,

Sudah jadi laki orang lain."

how droll...
10 pts for cultural reference. 10 pts for relevance. 10 points for innovation.

shooting blanks

2007-06-19T15:52:00.000+08:00

i've never been to a shooting range. the closest i ever got to a gun was when the boys and i played paintball months ago. but i have to say i know ALL about shooting blanks.

it's got to be the most delicious, naughtiest, guiltless fun you can have. see, when shooting blanks, you can enjoy the same evil, callous intent of a supposed cold-blooded loaded gun-type of shooting spree but without having to shoulder the repercussions or collateral damage.

bestkan...?

ambiguity has got to be God's greatest gift to the garrulous.

what happened to our manners

2007-06-19T09:50:00.000+08:00

it's very sad you know...

Once upon a time when our moms had something unpleasant to say about a certain someone, they used to say it hush-hush. They used to be subtle or else if they cudn’t find a nice way to air their displeasure they just shared it with likeminded people and went about their ways. They don’t mean no harm or malice, they just wanted to ease the heaviness in their hearts. That’s why they mengumpat. For lack of a better word, somehow that got translated into the English language into the word “bitch”. And that nasty word somehow took a life of its own and grew with such ferocity that it became not only a verb but an adjective, an adverb, a noun and even a pronoun.

And now we’ve got these young, “progressive”, “forward-thinking” fellow females who proudly declare, “if I’ve got something to bitch about, I’m not going to do it behind someone’s back, I’m going to say it to her face! Hah!” as if expecting a pat on the back or a Singa Award for honesty. They, obviously, fail to realize that there are several verbs in Malay for such an action and it’s called menghina, memburuk-burukkan, menjatuhkan maruah, mengaibkan or memalukan. And such a behavior is not only rude but it’s also downright malicious. It breeds contempt, revenge and ill-will. It is not constructive and it reflects badly on your character and upbringing.

Sometimes it is easy to forget that we are orang melayu. Kita ni beradab dan bertatasusila. That while we might be well-travelled and socially assimilated into the urban global community, there should still be some values that we hold dear. That some adages like “kalau cakap tu, biar beralas” shouldn’t be cast aside like we did our Kamus Dewan after our ‘O’level Malay.

After all, I’m sure we wouldn’t want people to say, "Kesian Cik (*insert parent’s name*), hantar anak belajar tinggi-tinggi/luar negeri buang duit aje… Budak tu cakap asal lepas aje, BIADAP. Macam orang tak beradat…"

Mulut tempayan boleh kita tutup, mulut orang…?

EPILOGUE the.evil.multiply.-i.ed. Jun 26, '07 3:35 AM

the boss was away for a couple of days last week and boredom and the absence of francophile and muhd.playwright drove me to yet another of my 'social experiments'. it was too tempting and i had way too much time on my hands.

the internet and the online diary phenomenon has always been a fascination of mine. a diary, by its very definition is a written record of an individual's personal activities, thoughts and emotions and more often than not, it's almost always private and secret. how then do we explain these "online diaries” which pretty much means everyone and anyone with an internet connection could at any given time gain access to these very personal possessions of yours, and even comment and give their two cents' worth on them.

the way i see it, it must be a rather tiring and draining exercise to continually defend your personal stand and opinion in the face of rebuttals and alternative viewpoints. at some point don't you ask yourself, why do i even freaking bother? why don't i just type up my thoughts on a word document and save it on my hard disk? am i that lame and insecure and in need of public/social acceptance and approval that i am willing to be a sitting duck for criticisms and negative comments? or am i that much of an exhibitionist to share with the world what i eat/drink/do/think/feel and MORE IMPORTANTLY think that whatever i have to share actually contributes to the collective body of knowledge and the betterment of society?

well, since online diaries/personal websites/blogs are really blooming like mushrooms after the rain i guess there must be lots of people out there who, whether they realise it or not, fall into either/both of those 2 categories. despite their claims that they have lives to lead and people to meet. heh!

what i've gathered from my social experiment is that:-

a) most people are not as smart or sharp as they think they are (myself included)
b) most of the time, they don't get it... they just don't get it.
c) personal bias is something that has and will ALWAYS exist, even in the most "impartial" of people. rest assured that everything you write WILL be taken personally AS IF every word is a personal attack/ support to the reader. it's not your fault, neither is it theirs. that's just the way it is. it's human nature.
d) most of the time, NOBODY gets the bigger picture. you can be guaranteed that someone is sure to zero in on some miniscule, trifling, totally negligible part of your whole tirade and make a mountainous issue out of it. and you can also be guaranteed that a whole posse of people would then take arms on that same paltry insignificant issue and expand it to epic proportions. that, my friends, is how wars, coups and revolutions are started.
e) and the best thing is, after everyone is done foaming at the mouth about god-even-knows-what and gauntlets are thrown and everyone has had their fill of nasty back-biting and catfights, these very same people would then get on their non-existent moral highhorses and pretend they're way too ethical or cool for all that and that they're above it all.
f) and some poor motherfucker is always left to clean up after. some proverbial scapegoat or sacrificial lamb always has to bear the brunt of the whole hulabaloo cause they're the last to clean their dirty bloodied hands of it or they had too much integrity and self-awareness to feign ignorance and indifference when the dice is thrown and all is said and done. they are the ones who then have to absorb the backlash of it all in the form of domestic censure and castigation. they would then have to retract statements and expiate themselves in the eyes of their loved ones. (NB: i'm not trying to make a martyr out of these ppl cause at the end of the day everyone had some fun. it's just tough luck that someone has to pay for it, i guess...)
g) AND THEN, cause so many of us got away scot-free, in another week or two it all starts again. Yippee!

Isn’t it just a funny, funny world we live in?

Having said all that I’ve said and satisfactorily sated my appetite for human blood and stoked my own overblown ego I would like to request to one and all to please not leave any comments. don’t insult my intelligence and your own by starting another one of those cycles. I don’t need your approval/disapproval. i don’t need your two-cent’s worth cause i’m rich enough, thank you very much! this is about ME! I have something to say to everyone. and what better avenue than my very own online not-so-secret diary.

I have had my fun. Thank you very much for indulging me. Sorry if you feel used and abused. Hey, c’est la vie! This, by the way, is what I mean by explaining everything from a to z. that aside, i’m very positive about the restorative powers of time, space, female solidarity and forgiveness. I’m sure when our paths cross again, everything will be peachy dandy. Till then, I leave you with yet another Malay adage

“siapa makan cili, dia yand terasa pedasnya.”

Peace y’all. One love!

changi with cheena wannabes

2007-06-14T12:04:00.000+08:00

korang masih kekek...

confessions.of.a.sellout.

2007-06-12T14:38:00.000+08:00

did i sell my soul for gold?
did i prostitute my profession for pretty provisions?
did i dismiss mirth and merriment to make way for mercenary moneymaking?

will a lifetime of deskbound lunches witness my descrated light

oh why, oh why...

did i think i could

recompense regret with runway rags

tranquilize tedium with trendy threads

gripe.gripe.gripe

2007-06-07T16:14:00.000+08:00

nobody has time for me.

is this what my life has been reduced to?!?!

1) lunches at my desk alone.
even though it's by choice but still, doesn't that just mean my options must really suck if that's what i actually choose?

2) calling up what few friends i have in my 'recently dialled' list and getting rejected by them all because (a) they've made other plans (b) they're in another country (c) they've NOT made other concrete plans BUT even if they can spare the time, they would rather meet up with sycophantic, simpering needy types than me (urgghh... does that mean i'm even lower than 'sycophantic, simpering needy types' in their list? *shudder*) (d) they just ignore my sms.

oh god, i wish i could turn back the clock and return to the days where i'm on a constant whirlwind of checking in and checking out of airports and i couldn't even spare a moment to attend their weddings, birthday parties etc...

OH WHY OH WHY DID I QUIT MY PERFECTLY FINE, JET-SETTING, LOW SALARIED NO-END JOB!!!!!

oh, the things we do for love...
(hmmm... freudian slip?)

ah..... just bugger it lah.
bite the bullet and suck it up and take it like a man, shida.

afterall, you reap what you sow.

"Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn..."
-AKON

if i was my blog...

2007-05-29T09:55:00.000+08:00

i'd be pretty pissed off with me. i'd say...

"oh kau, kalau tengah depressed baru kau nak carik aku. baru kau nak datang sini, mengadu nasib and go on your depressingly long-winded "oh-woe-is-me" sob stories. and then when everything is peachy-dandy again, off you go! banyak cantik muka kau, kau ingat aku nie aper, your bloody aunt aggy is it?!?"

well, thank god, i'm not my blog and my blog can't talk. so i guess that means i can continue to use and abuse her. search her out in my moment of need and discard her when life is fine and beautiful again. tee hee hee...

evil-kernevil? well, rather her than you, RIGHT?

doo dee doo dee doo...

HR- human rejects..? retards..?

2007-05-11T09:26:00.000+08:00

There's something about HR people that just ruffles my feathers. not all of them mind you, cause i've met some who just ooze sophistication and charm and interpersonal skills from every French-tip of their well-manicured fingernails. But there are so many insipid, petty, annoying, self-important, scruffy, uneducated, uncongenial "i've-been-a-clerk-for-50-yrs-so-it's-only right-i-got-the-HR-gig" types that you wonder, how could someone so inept at interacting with other human beings be made responsible for the welfare of her fellow colleagues?

there, i've said it. in short, i think they suck and are a waste of space. them and the whole admin-schmamin company policy hogwash.

bah!

new gig, new shoes, new you???

2007-05-11T08:53:00.000+08:00

heh,

sometimes i wonder if this new job means much more than just simply more money for me, my honey and the singapore economy. whether it means the beginning of a new beginning or whether it's just another false start, like so many that i've had before.

am i changing for the sake of changing or is there a part of me that is slowly finding the strength to be the better person that i know i can be? and this new stop, while it's oh-so deathly quiet could actually be a good place to start.

or maybe, i'm just hyping this up to justify to myself yet another oh-so typically impulsive decision.

dunnoe...

bleurgh...

2007-05-02T07:20:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD!
i am so bloody depressing! this blog is so melancholic and depressing and whingey and indulgent and just downright IRRITITATING AND GIRLY AND ANNOYING!

urghh.. i need to get out of this. it's so not healthy!

HeLLUCINATE -my chemical romance

2007-05-01T10:26:00.000+08:00

was it all in my head?

did i imagine it all...
the laughs the love the vows your hand on my curves the trips the 'trip's the intent the intimate the hugs the kisses the tender the fun the raves the weekend getaways the dinners the introductions the promises the togethers the yearning the longing the missing the reunions the rejoice the.... th...

that look in your eye that spelt forever

was all that really a figment of my imagination? was i so self absorbed and indulgent that i didn't realise that i was the only one having a ball of a time while you were plodding along and dragging your feet?

i guess so..

thanks then, for accommodating for so long. you've been very KIND.

note.to.self.

2007-04-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!
i repeat, STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!

esp. when your fingers are doing the talking and your mouth is moving faster than your brain. doo dee doo dee doo...

it's.written.in.the.stars.

2007-04-19T16:07:00.000+08:00

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19):

"'Don't look before you leap!' is a Zen saying that contrasts with what many in the West consider wise counsel." writes Christopher Moors in his article "Magical Buddha Nature" at tinyurl.com/34swxd.
"If everything is premeditated, we will never have the naked brillianceof a truly new experience. Though we might be able to temper fear this way. We live at the minimum and have no room for the divine to enter our hearts. Love is above all things the freedom of expansion." I'm passing this advice, Aries, just in time for the most unboxed, unexpected, unprecedented phase of your astrological cycle. Rely on spontaneity to teach you all you need to know.

give.it.up to.me

2007-04-19T15:15:00.000+08:00

Got this on repeat mode in my ears. helps the day pass by faster and the smile plastered on my face. whatever rocks my boat, eh?

"Get out my head and into the bed girl...
Cause you done know, plottin' out the fantasy..
Hey baby girl and it's you a the key...yo...me go so then

From you look inna me eye gal I see she you want me
When you gonna give it up to me
Because you body enticing, you makin' me want it
When you gonna give it up to me
Well if a no today girl then a must be tomorrow
When you fulfill my fantasy
Because you know I give you lovin' straight like an arrow
When you gonna give it up to me."

midsummer.nightmare.

2007-04-18T14:05:00.000+08:00

thanks j, for being the voice on the other line and the tip on how to chase away bad dreams.

"All the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
runnin through my head

let me tell you this,
I feel totally lost
if im asking for help
its only because
being with you has opened my eyes
could i ever believe such a perfect surprise
I keep asking myself
wondering how
I keep losing my eyes
but i cannot get out
Im going to fly to a place where its just you and me
and nobody else
so we can be free

all the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
all the things he said

and im all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
they say it's my fault but i want him so much
I wanna fly him away
with the sun and the rain comin over my face
wash away all the shame
and when they stop and stare
dont be worrying me
cuz im feelin for him what he's feelin for me
I can try to pretend i can try to forget
but it's driving me mad goin out of my head

All the things he said
all the things he said
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
runnin through my head
all the things he said
all the things he said"

deja-vu anyone?