saya harap awak faham.

there's lots of pain in this world. learning all about it in one week is surely a crash course that would send even test dummies running in the opposite direction.

there's the kind that you don't actually feel physically but is slowly eating its way to the core of your sanity and reconfiguring your life as you know it. the kind that taunts you with its invisibility and invincibility till the thought of jumping off a cliff actually provides you with some kind of relief. it's the kind that lies just half an inch out of your grip so you can't grasp it and figure it out and fix it.

and then there's the real, blinding, honest to goodness please stop kinda pain that makes you shout your mom's name, in vain. cause even though she's just right there by your side there's nothing she can do to make it stop. it's the kind you sadistically endure because it's suppose to make you better. or you hope it can make you better. it's the kind that is based on faith. faith that your parents will be right the way they've never been wrong; back when you were young and naive. faith that truly God is All-forgiving and will help even habitual vagrant sinners like yourself if you asked in your moment of need. and the faith that the dispenser of that pain really knows what she's doing and that you're not suffering in vain.

and then there's the pain of the unknown. the not knowing what the hell is wrong with yourself. why is this happening to you (even though you managed to convince yourself you deserve it and it's like a premature purgatory). how do you know you made the right choice by choosing one remedy instead of the other. how much worse off would you be if you belatedly realised you have made the wrong choice. how, if the shit hits the fan, you're the only one who's taking the hit. the kind of pain that makes you fervently pray in the dark that this is all just a wicked wicked nightmare. the kind that makes you want to lash out at everyone else cause they're lucky enough to not have to go through this. the kind that makes you feel that noboby gets it and nobody is holding your hand and walking you through this and nobody gives a flying F^&% about you or that even if they do it doesn't matter cause it's not as if they're going through it with you. and so, nobody mattters.


it's the kind of pain that leaves you alone, shivering in the cold yet declining every hug that is offered. it's the kind that drives you off the cliff, freefalling into nothing.


it's the kind that hurts.

25/07/2007-28/07/2007-...