Not letting go...

So many things have happened since I last wrote... But in the interest of time and since I know i’m Not Kim Kardashian and no one actually cares what trivial pursuits I have been up to, just thought to let you know, my mom died. Almost a year ago, on the 3rd day of Hari Raya. And while eventually life goes back to what it was and it plodded on, as is its nature, I know inside I am somehow altered. A little more broken. Maybe it was the way I just rushed back into work a week after it happened. I’ve never been the type to put much stock into all that western psychobabble bullshit about finding closure and all that hooplah. Maybe also cause I know this is something you’ll never get over or move past. A lifelong condition so why waste the time to indulge in it? No point. It doesn’t ”cure” it or make it any better. Maybe also cause there is just this mountain of regrets and could have beens that I don’t think i’ll ever be able to “process” so I feel like I need to keep holding on to them. Why lah, of all the people in my life, you had to go Mak? I think I would trade pretty much anyone else to have you still here with us. And now I look at who and what I have surroundes my life with and there are times I wished that they had died instead. Now, I look at the people and things that occupy and consume my life and wished that they were dead or gone so I could have spent that time and energy on you. I know the sensible thing to do would be to learn from your death and make time for the people I love who are still alive but that love feels kinda stale in my mouth now. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. I just know that every once in a while, it hits me that you are gone. And I didn’t quite realize before how dependent I was on you for my sanity and you’re probably the only reason why I had so much to give to others. Cause you kept me strong and sane and generous and nice. Now that you’re gone, I just can’t be arsed to be any of that anymore. Now when they suck me dry, I have nothing to nourish me and replenish me. I’m just so tired and done. #missyoumak P.S:- quite glad I finally figured out a way to unlock my blog. It’s been a while...

Switch my bitch on, I dare you...

I have realized that a Peacock is not a peacock if it doesn't preen. So sweetheart, I am done hiding my plume so you feel better about your grey dull feathers. So done. My advise is, keep up or just stay out of my path, lest you get burned by my trailblazing ways. See I don't think you get it, i decided that u should be up on that pedestal that has my name written all over it cause it makes you happy and your happiness is actually important to me. But if you push me to the point where all I can do is shove then don't blame me if u find yourself sitting on on your sorry little arse. I used to eat boys like you for breakfast. I used to make you run circles around my little pinkie till you can't see straight and then have you thank me for your migraine. You little fuckwit,I made you a king and I can easily make you my court jester. And you'd be none the wiser...

Waddafuck

I am so unhappy sometimes I don't understand why and it looks so okay so peachy dandy but inside it's not is there something wrong with me what is this what is going on why do I have to keep biting my tongue and tasting regret?

pasal taik

orang giler ajer punish herself and send herself to go sleep on uncomfortable tilam pasar malam sampai kena salah bantal when it's the other party yang perangai macam siak. but that's okay cause aku kan master psychobabble bullshit extraordinaire and between waking up feeling like TURD and 3 hours at the office yang sebenarnyer storeroom yang bukan pun office actually pasal aku bukannyer kerje pasal bukannyer diaorang bayar gaji aku, i've somehow managed to internalise and justify that whole exercise in self torture. that this is my fault. because this was my call. HE was my call. and so i'll just have to take this in my stride. that there is no point in feeling injured or hurt or slighted because saper suruh aku pandai pandai itchy backside nak sangat kahwin dengan dia. it's not like we never met before i signed on the dotted line (which in malaysia, by the way, doesn't happen. honestly, lepas nikah aku tak payah sign aper2...). we are not some matchmade, parent approved, internet dating site, mail order couple. i know the who, what and when and where and how and why he does the things he do. so where does that bring us to? ah yes, i slept on lumps of low grade foam because even though what HE was the one who hurt me with what he said, i was my own architect of that hurt because i chose him. only two way out of this. either ship out or start googling dom-buse websites. i heard it's a slippery slope, the one that i'm on... so i guess, THIS is what being responsible is about. feels like... CRAP!

A deal's a deal.

I met the old crew just now. Old in every sense of the word. Cause 8 yrs down the line we are getting a bit old and because the memories we shared they seems so long ago... So old... But it feels like nothing has changed. I'm still the girl who counts backwards to them. And as we sit at the bar recounting old tales of yore I feel a yearning in my heart. A yearning for a life I left behind. Nobody tells you what it means to be married, to agree to certain things that every bone in your body says no way, hose to. But hey, a deal's a deal. So you bite the insides of your cheeks every time u find yourself missing this or that or something until the feeling hopefully passes over... Maybe the right thing to do is to burn all bridges. That way you don't get reminded of the way things were and how free you were. That way you can bury your wild child and pretend to be the yuppie scum wannabe he married.

you is missed.

maybe in life, you didn't get told this often enough. so i'm saying this to you and i hope you say this to yourself ever so often so you don't forget. and i know you'll say this out loud for whoever who's around you who needs to hear this. where she has failed, you will flourish. "you is kind. you is smart. you is important."

just cause cat got my tongue doesn't mean i don't bite...

of late, i've been rather docile. maklumlah, dah jadi bini orang. i gotta think twice before i mouth off, after all my husband's reputation is also at stake, kan... and besides, i'm in a strange (in EVERY sense of the word) land and i have no friends so i better be nice. and i tried, i truly truly did but some stupid cunt just had to cross my wire lah so she kenalah one of my 'call a spade, a spade' tirade. so it's this simple. if you are an addict, you're an addict. i won't call you an xxx-head (fill in the blank with your drug of choice) or say you have a habit so it doesn't sound that harsh. i WILL call you an addict and i WILL stay away from you because you're the kind of scum i don't want to end up being, given my predilection for fun, illegal, high inducing stuff. see, i'm not some naive chit you can lure to your drug den with promises of friendship. i've been down that road before and had WAY more fun with MUCH nicer people and thankfully got out of it unscathed. so u can shove it bitch. seriously, shove it. and if you are evil, i WILL call you evil. to your face. so you know nigga ain't buying that 'i'm the victim here' routine. newsflash dumbfuck, you can't fart and expect to come out of it smelling like roses. so if you're stupid enough to ask me if i'm cool with you when it's quite obvious that i'm not, then please don't expect diplomacy from me. and please don't try to engage me in some lameass he says, she says. i'm sorry if you're under some delusion that my loyalty lies with you but when you mess with my bro, you mess with me. capish? p.s: babs, i got a tale to tell... i'll try not to watsapp u during buka. : P